Have we ever analyzed how costly is the cost of personal sanity to us?
Living in a world, where what we want and what is expected of us is always a contradictory situation. We are constantly reminded to ensure that our sanity is up to the level to fit into the not-so-perfect perfect mold of society. We pay hidden costs for subscribing to unspoken sanity rules right from childhood.
I will begin with myself. This was, after all, one of my major life lessons.
I always grew up thinking sanity is like the virginity of my personality. It should be preserved otherwise I’d become an outcast for the perfect preachers. I thought if some other thought pattern than my own is running the society, then it must be of great relevance than my own personal world.
Hardly did I realize that I was slowly tearing the canvas of this personal world which I was too scared to paint on to.
What if my colors would be too dark to be accepted by everyone? What if my strokes crossed the limitations defined as appropriate standards? What if what I created was misunderstood by anyone?
I was too scared to break out of the mold. This was the first cost I paid for sanity. My steps always made me turn back before I could even gather enough courage to jump these gigantic sane walls.
My words struck right in their origin before they could even travel up the throat. I wanted the best expert in the world to check my opinions before I presented it out there. I was very happy to give everyone to have the honors to take the high seat, but I was so mean to give myself even one chance.
I had become unfair to myself because I was willing to lose the opportunity but remain attached to this sanity. I had lost trust inside out.
Another expensive cost started showing up when I started masking a personality which always had to be, look, speak and act perfectly. No matter how crazy these surroundings would derive me, I had to pretend to be the perfect example of how controlled my life was. I couldn’t show up for the fear of rejection when the ideal world should only see how perfectly sane I was.
Before the society could stop me, I started stopping myself. I became my own road-block. I never realized when this sanity became such an obsession that it started commanding my life. I had given away my power to have an acceptance from the society which didn’t even know I existed.
It was just a matter of contemplation when I unearthed the fact that I had invented a new form of insanity within the confines of the same almighty sanity. This was the power of creation from fear and resistance.
Now, I knew I had to change. I couldn’t go on.
I had to beat my own pity game. The constant blame on society, of its expectations of me, was what has to be surrendered the foremost. If I reject what is expected of me, it would become my choice. I had to let out and be open.
While slowly unbinding my subtle wings, I realized that –
- I was too broke to pay costs any more to afford this sanity. Sometimes, sanity could be such a luxury. I had entangled myself because I was too busy to say yes to these outside expectations.
- I had to say NO and embrace my crooked walks.
- Every crack that I hid in corners were to be brought up in the light and faced now.
- I had to learn that if I had to become one with my sanity then only I could declare out there — take it or go home. I will first be my own.
I guess this ‘breakout’ is all that was needed to ‘break out’ and be finally free.
And, that is all I did one by one. I affirmed that ‘everything out there in my world happens with my permission.’ I had to become this insane in my ‘ self-craft’ that it would become my new sanity. I had to stop putting insanity in an outcast box myself first. The society could adjust one more misfit while I experimented.
I had to expand myself first so that a tiny percentage of society and sanity, which consisted of me, could expand too.
So, that was where a new journey began for me. I managed to cut down these expensive costs. Did you?