What is unconscious agreement in dysfunctional relationships? Find now.

unconscious agreement in dysfunctional relationships

Unknowingly, we tie an unconscious agreement as a part of poor communication in our dysfunctional relationships. As we humans walk on this planet, we are constantly communicating with our environment to function. The effectiveness of this communication is determined by our ability to uphold the amount and integrity of our relationships.

Our relationships should usually follow the path of a conscious and healthy agreement; exactly how nature has established them to be. Our relationships mirror our inner reality in one way or the other. It, then, almost becomes essential that we know all the cracked, eroded, and non-functional parts of our relationships with the others and self.

A bilateral agreement

We might want to picture a happy ending to all the fractured relationships. But when we walk out of them we find that a part of the hurt has still managed to survive in us. We feel our power is still loosely hanging in between as bait for either party to hang onto. The physical separation has still not given way to many emotional and spiritual closures.

The soul continues to feel trapped in the dysfunctional mess of the unconscious self-limiting agreements we made in past relationships. This is true for both the giver and taker; for the ones experiencing them now. These aftereffects become a part of the extended aura of a relationship; spreading in and beyond both time and space. Then, this unconscious agreement becomes the base of our dysfunctional relationships.


One never truly walks out unless they have properly walked in.

READ NEXT: How to practice self love daily for deep healing?

The ‘other’ support factor

“In a dysfunctional relationship, there is an unconscious agreement between the two people (or the members of the family) to keep the dysfunction going. This is the role codependency plays. But what happens when someone in the relationship has an experience that causes that person to say, “I don’t want to play this game anymore”? There is instant chaos; most likely, an outside intervention will be needed.

For the relationship to continue and grow, the other(s) must believe this change is good and must commit to working on themselves and the relationship. If this does not happen, the person who makes the change must decide whether to “numb out” and stay in a situation unsupportive to newly found wholeness or to leave the relationship. In one way or another, the balance will be upset, and some change will need to occur. A support system becomes essential either for counseling the relationship of the family or for helping the one who needs to divorce him- or herself from the situation.” – From “Soul Retrieval” by Sandra Ingerman.

‘Yes’ from Loved ones

People in relationships do love each other to the extent they understand themselves and the definition of love. A myriad of noise is just biased expectations and faulty judgments. Nevertheless, we continue to imbibe both in our relationships, giving each other the loopholes to write and fit unconscious patterns.


When we are in a relationship, we want to hear ‘Yes’ most of the time from our friends, family, and partner. It is one of a part of the big support factor these relationships offer. It is good to have a loving support system to back us in all our pathways; especially when trouble arrives. Sometimes it is healthy to expect so and work in that direction if it doesn’t harm the balance and well being of the relationship.


Often a person starts doing something that is out of their limits and unhealthy at its cores. It is to please the other involved and hear a temporary Yes. The energy procured from this effort is often shortlived. It always beckons the person for another act otherwise they won’t really feel accepted and understood in the relationship. How many times do we realize that one doesn’t need to chase that already is here? And, if it is not here then there is no point chasing something which has to arrive on its own free will.


You can also read through Integrating Self love for building healthy relationships with self and others. for a better understanding of how self-love can help you sort one section of the dysfunctional relationship.

And a ‘No’

A lot of points from the unconscious agreement, when spoken, should ideally be a “No”. Just because we want to keep the relationship at any cost, we end up making it suffocating and rather dysfunctional. It is mainly to suit the need of the one we’re trying to seek the attention of, get an appraisal, and ultimately losing a part of the self. A No could be difficult in the present but it will save lots of trouble for the future.


By starting the things you will accept in a relationship and saying no to things that don’t respect you or the essence of the relationship, you will save yourself from unconsciously signing the regressive agreements. At any time, if you seek to take outside help to correct the mishappenings of your relationship, make sure to try all ways to convince your family or partner to understand your decisions and support your steps to grow consciously. If they don’t then maintain a healthy boundary, beyond which the excessive intrusion will cause harm to the relationship, then it is essential to break the chain and start saying a clear No.

READ ALSO: How to heal emotions behind the fear of abandonment.

Break it or Keep it?

It is not up to anyone to suggest on a “one size fits all” basis just because there are some serious dysfunctions. This is no parameter to decide if you should keep or break the relationship. Every relationship is as unique as the people involved in the relationships. What works for one might not work for another. We can only give generalized directions for someone to have something like the base. The structure is their own personal unfolding.
Whatever the scenario of your relationship might be, do not put it down before putting in the last fight. What your last fight will be, discuss it on a case basis with someone who can provide a logical perspective. Find someone who has a spiritually clear direction to your thoughts, emotions, and actions. You would not want to carry around the ghost of a dead relationship with you.


Click to book your session with me. I will be happy to facilitate you on your journey to make conscious choices regarding your relationship. Until then, follow the light.
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I am a certified hypnotherapist, Reiki healer, Life Coach, Past life regressionist, and Shamanic journey facilitator. My offering “Self Healers” is an abundant resource for spiritually healing tools. Read more…

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